The Life and Times of a Hobbit Teenager
by Gary Oak The Pidgeon
Summary: Modern Day High School AU. Thorin likes Bilbo, Bofur likes Bilbo, but Smaug gets Bilbo. How will the two stop Smaug from using Bilbo before ultimately breaking his heart? Thilbo, Bilbofur, Smaug/Bilbo. Rated T just to be safe. Kind of a parody of most high school AUs.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** I've never been one for high school AUs, but the idea came to me and I knew that I had to write it. This is also going to be a slight parody of most high school AUs (hey, most are pretty overly-dramatic and cheesy). Please read and review (I won't post the next chapter until I have five reviews. They don't have to be super long, just five words long would be fine with me. I just want to make sure people read this since I'm already writing two other Thilbo fics). I'm going to try to incorporate magic with modern day stuff.

* * *

Thorin Oakenshield had always been an average student, nothing too big, but certainly not a loser. He still couldn't understand why he'd become friends with Bilbo Baggins, a nerd who loved to read and write more than he did to talk with people, and who had the hairiest feet that Thorin had ever seen. Until then he hadn't even known that hair could grow on someone's feet, but Bilbo teased that it wasn't so different from his goatee.

"I can't help that my facial hair grows fast," Thorin said. "I'm sure that the same thing happened to my father and grandfather when they were fifteen."

The person who had tried to make them friends was their English teacher, Mr. Gandalf, who Thorin had liked, but feared that he smoked weed instead of cigarettes. Thorin feared Gandalf's wife, Galadriel, whose pictures covered all of Mr. Gandalf's desk, did it too, as attractive as she was. It would only explain how she was used to him.

"So," Thorin had said when he'd first talked to the quiet boy who always sat at the back of the classroom. "Mr. Gandalf said that you could help me raise my English grade."

Bilbo had looked up at him, adjusted his glasses, then smiled. "I'll help you!"

He seemed nice enough, so Thorin had agreed to go with him to his home every afternoon to study, though he still feared being seen with the teachers pet. Bilbo's home was a rather boring apartment on Shire Avenue, in a building called Bag End, mostly filled with books and various cooking items, though Thorin always did help himself to whatever Bilbo had made. The walls and floor had all been in shades of beige and light brown, the colors of the furniture following that. It was a nice enough place, but so lacking in interest, like a room from a magazine. It was in there that he learned of Bilbo's hairy feet.

"This is so hard," Thorin had said on the first day that they'd studied together. "I hate this!"

"Just keep trying," Bilbo had said, lightly touching his shoulder. "Believe it or not but this used to be hard for me. You know what they say, practice makes perfect. I can prove that."

_Oh great, I'll probably become a nerd like him._ Thorin had thought.

The next day, a day where Thorin dreaded the day ending, Bilbo hung out with Thorin and his friends Bofur, Nori, Bombur, and Gloin. Sure they worked together, but the nerd couldn't just come and think that he could join his social circle.

"He's not so bad," Bofur had said. "I like him."

"You're not listening to me!" Thorin had replied. "We study together, that's it! He can't just think that he's allowed to come hang out with us."

"He seems alright," Nori had added.

"And he let me try some of his chocolate chip cookies," Bombur said, licking his lips at the memory. "Oh, they were the most delicious that I've ever eaten! I hope he brings more soon, I really do."

"Guys, do you realize how this affects us?" he asked. "We'll be seen as nerds because of him."

"Well, we certainly aren't the most popular," Gloin had responded. "Everyone remembers you as the guy who lost his family's jewelry shop to Smaug's parents."

Thorin scowled at the memory. "Don't remind me about that." Smaug, the most popular boy in all of Erebor High, was feared by everyone, and he always got his way. Thorin didn't understand why he was popular other than being rich, as he didn't play any sports (though he did work out), wasn't a top student, and didn't really have any talents. Still, he found a way to get to the top of the school's food chain and he would do anything to stay there. He had no problem mocking Thorin for losing his family jewelry shop to his father, mocking Thorin for having lost most of his money and now being poor.

But Bilbo had continued hanging out with him, and as prideful and self-centered as Thorin was, he couldn't bring himself to be rude to the boy who had helped improve his GPA. It just wasn't worth telling the boy that he couldn't hang out with his group of friends, no matter how embarrassing it was to be associated with him.

What really got him to like Bilbo was when he'd stood up to his long-time enemy and bully, Azog. Azog was the resident asshole of Dale High, and though he bullied everyone, he always had a special hatred reserved only for Thorin. It had started when Thorin had broken Azog's arm a few years earlier over the summer, and his hatred had only continued growing since then. Thorin had been about to be beaten to a pulp by Azog and his gang one day after school when Bilbo had jumped on one of Azog's friend who had been about to punch him, and had given Thorin enough time to run as fast as he could away from them. It had gotten Bilbo thoroughly bruised, but Thorin had made it up to him in every way he could, and that was when their friendship had truly started. He'd learned that although the boy was quite strange, he still liked him very much and they got along quite well; Thorin was even beginning to think that he liked Bilbo more than just as a friend, though he had no idea how he would ever tell him or if Bilbo returned his feelings.

The thought had grown and grown, and that was why Thorin Oakenshield was currently pacing around his room, his hands sweaty. It was nearly Valentine's Day, the night before in fact, and he knew that it was a good a time as any to tell Bilbo about his feelings. He knew that he needed to get a way to really get Bilbo's attention, so he grabbed ten bucks and his coat, then left his apartment to walk to the nearby convenience store, yelling at his guardian Dwalin that he would be gone for about a half an hour. Dwalin replied that he better not get into any trouble and that he better get back in time, a joking tone in his voice because he trusted Thorin. Thorin had been living with Dwalin since his parents had died, his mother having gone first, then his father, who was driven mad by grief because of the death of his own father.

The convenience store was brightly lit, a perfumey smell in the air, and cheesy pop music playing over the speakers. Thorin looked around at all the Valentine's Day candy there was, trying to find one that would truly show Bilbo how he felt about him. Most of them he ignored, such as the brightly colored candy hearts that only showed friendship, and the more cheesy ones with phrases such as "My One and Only". He finally decided on one that had a good amount of chocolate in it and was just a generic dark red heart-shaped box. He bought it, along with a candy bar to eat for himself, then left, whistling as he walked home. Once he was back in his room, he wrote Bilbo a card asking him to go on a date with him. He was ecstatic as he wrote it, imagining their date.

_Please say yes,_ Thorin wrote. _Please._

The next day he walked into Dale High with a skip in his step, for once happy for reasons other than it being Friday. He literally had to force himself from running to the spot where he and his crew met every morning by the library to have quick discussions before going to class. Once he got there, he immediately saw Bilbo and his group of friends talking, Bilbo handing them plastic bags and envelopes.

"You made me heart-shaped sugar cookies?" Bombur asked. "Thank you so much, Bilbo! And you even frosted them."

"It was nothing," Bilbo replied. "I'm glad that you like them."

"How couldn't I?" Bombur replied.

Thorin tapped Bilbo on the shoulder, startling the boy. He turned to face him, a smile on his face. "Bilbo," he said. "Happy Valentine's Day!" He thrust the plastic bag with his card and box of chocolate into Bilbo's hand. "I hope that you like what I got you."

* * *

Bofur hoped that no one saw his look of distress. Thorin had gotten Bilbo chocolates and asked him on a date as well? This was terrible. Though he thought highly of himself, he feared that Bilbo would see Thorin as more attractive than him, and thus choose him over Bofur.

He'd spent so much time making the card, getting dinner reservations, and ordering only the highest quality chocolate, and all his work was about to go down the drain to Thorin and his cheap convenience store candy. Hell, it was still in the bag!

Bofur began to get angry. He'd always been nice to Bilbo, and Thorin had only recently stopped being a jerk to Bilbo. How could he choose Thorin over him, the one who always stood by his side?

Bofur sighed, knowing that ultimately it was Bilbo's choice over who he dated, and that he shouldn't act as though Bilbo owed him anything, because he didn't. As much as he wanted for Bilbo to notice him, he couldn't force Bilbo to become romantically involved with him; that was just plain wrong, not to mention selfish.

Still, he couldn't help but feel sad, along with anxious. Bilbo was about to answer Thorin's question on whether they'd be going out on a date that night, and Bofur hadn't had time to ask him yet. It seemed time also wasn't working out for him either.

* * *

Bilbo's face flushed red once he'd finished reading the card. Yes, he did like Thorin, even to where he had a tiny crush on him, but could he really say yes. He began to feel claustrophobic, feeling everyone one his friends' stare on him, waiting for his answer.

_I don't want to say yes,_ he thought. _But it'll hurt Thorin for me to say no._ He looked around, hoping that he'd be saved, but he wasn't lucky enough to see Smaug.

But then luck was on his side, and Smaug walked through the wing of the school that Bilbo was on. He looked confident, dressed in a black jacket with a dark red T-shirt, along with faded jeans and black boots, his dark red hair combed back casually. They'd recently started their relationship, but Bilbo already cared deeply about him. Even though he was only a freshman like Bilbo and all of his friends, he was more popular than any senior. Bilbo still couldn't believe that Smaug was dating him, but he was quite happy about it, and every time he thought about Smaug he smiled and his cheeks turned red as a ripe apple.

"Hello, Bilbo," Smaug said, wrapping his arm around Bilbo's waist, then leaning in quickly kissing him.

"Hi, Smaug," Bilbo replied, feeling his cheeks get hot. "It's great to see you today."

"Hey," he said, pulling him away from his group of friends. "I was wondering if you were busy today."

"Actually, I'm free tonight. . ."

"No, I meant today, as in right now."

"But Smaug, we have school today. . ."

"School can wait," Smaug replied, leaning his face in close to Bilbo's. "Besides, I'm sure that I can pull a few strings to get you out of here without a single problem."

Bilbo knew quite well that he could. "Okay, I'd be happy to."

"Good," Smaug said. "We might as well get going while we can, right?"

Bilbo nodded. "Yeah, definitely."

* * *

Thorin dropped his box of candy in his locker, figuring he'd either return it to get his money back or just let Bombur eat it. He dropped his letter to Bilbo in the recycling bin, fighting back tears from his eyes. He'd lost Bilbo, and to Smaug of all people! He was both angry and sad, and the two emotions both seemed to make him want to rip Smaug to shreds.

Thorin knew that Smaug wasn't dating Bilbo because he wanted to, no, Smaug would never lower himself to dating someone so low and invisible as Bilbo. He was doing this because Smaug had somehow figured out that Thorin himself liked Bilbo, and planned on using Bilbo to just make Thorin angrier.

_He'll leave Bilbo heartbroken,_ thought Thorin, clenching his fists. _That selfish asshole! I swear, I'm going to rip him to shreds like the son of a bitch that he is. _Thorin could see that Bilbo was shocked that Smaug was even looking at him, and he had to save his friend from heartbreak. Bilbo just didn't deserve for that kind of thing to happen to him.

* * *

Bofur stared at his phone, knowing that he needed to call to cancel his dinner reservations, but he couldn't work up the nerve to. He sighed, staring down at his weekend homework, though it did little to distract him. He'd only finished three of the fifteen assigned problems, and though he tried to begin the fourth, he wrote very little before going back to worrying. Though he could at least stand up against Thorin, he knew that there was no way to win Bilbo from Smaug. Thorin was now the least of his problems.

Sighing, he finally picked up the phone, then called and cancelled the dinner reservations. The person on the other end of the phone seemed relieved, saying that so many wanted a spot already, but that only made Bofur imagine Bilbo eating there with Smaug, the fantasy shocking him and making him feel as though he'd vomit at any moment.

He pulled out his box of high-quality chocolate, planning to have it shipped back to get his thirty dollars back. He then walked to his kitchen, passing his older brother Bifur, who sat watching TV in the living room, who took no notice of him. Once he was in the kitchen, he grabbed a bag of M&M's, then walked back to his room and began eating them, doing his homework while he did so. Once he finished, he tried to congratulate himself for being productive, but even he didn't believe himself. Instead, he grabbed a handful of M&M's, popped them into his mouth, then plopped down on his bed and began to cry, wetting his pillow.

_How could he happen?_ he asked himself. _How could this possibly happen?_

* * *

**Like I said, 5 reviews and you get the next chapter. I'm still debating over how to make Smaug a dragon/human, but I figure he uses magic to change from one to the other._  
_**


	2. Chapter 2

"Brother," said Bofur. "I need to talk to you." Though they were actually cousins, he'd always referred to him as his brother.

"What?" asked Bifur. "Oh, and where's Bombur?"

"Today's his cooking club meeting at school," Bofur said.

"On Valentine's Day? No wonder they all complain about being single."

Bofur rolled his eyes. "Well you don't exactly have anyone either."

"Whatever," Bifur said. "So what did you want to ask me?"

"Well," Bifur said, his hands and neck beginning to be covered in sweat, "what do you do when you're in love with someone? I'm asking you because you've dated people."

"Do you need the talk?"

"You gave me it a couple years when I found your condoms."

"No, not that talk, the talk talk."

A look of confusion flashed on Bofur's face. "What?"

"The talk talk is all about love." Bifur reached out and wrapped his arm around his young cousin. "I'm not going to assume the person you like's gender identity, so I'll just jump right into the actual talk." He cleared his throat. "Bofur, love is incredibly painful."

Bofur rolled his eyes; he already knew that perfectly well.

"I broke up with so many people," Bifur said, "and they always kept a little part of me with them."

Out of fear, Bofur took the phrase literally and thought that Smaug was going to take a part of Bilbo with him-a lock of his messy hair, a toenail clipping, or worst of all his very heart.

"And I want that part back," Bifur said. "But I'll never be able to get it back, no matter how much I desperately want to."

"That talk depressed me," Bofur replied, then began to walk away. "Okay, I get the point blah blah blah love will destroy me and I'll die of a broken heart."

"Come back," Bifur said. "It's not just like that."

Bofur turned back to face him. "Well that's what it mainly consisted of."

"Love can be great," Bifur said. "And you should try your hardest to keep it that way. Breakups hurt. But at the same time, if you aren't happy with someone, break up with them. Do you get what I'm saying?"

_Yeah, a bunch of useless shit. _Bofur thought, but nodded and let a smile run across his chapped lips. _That's not going to help me save Bilbo, or get him to like me._

Bofur went back to his room and thought some more, but no helpful ideas came to him. There was still so much that he had to do but couldn't think of a way to do.

_I'm not attractive like Smaug is,_ Bofur thought. He didn't think unhighly of himself, but he wasn't going to say that he had people falling over for him, especially with how he grew out his hair to do pigtails and braids.

Eventually he gave up.

* * *

Bilbo had been sitting in his room reading a pleasant book when his cellphone rang, the sound making him nearly drop his mug of Earl Grey tea with shock. He didn't even check the number, just opened the phone.

"Hello?" Bilbo asked, wondering who was calling at this time on a Saturday morning. He wasn't much of a late sleeper, so when most were still in dream land, Bilbo was enjoying a good book.

"Bilbo!" Thorin said, concern in his voice. "I need your help!"

Bilbo bit his lip. "Oh no, what is it?"

"I have to babysit my nephews today, Fili and Kili. You remember me mentioning them, right? The sons of my older sister?"

"Yeah," Bilbo said.

"They're demons, Bilbo, demons! They nearly ripped out Bofur's pigtails once, and when he screamed in agony they laughed, they fucking laughed! You have to help me, Bilbo!"

Bilbo didn't know how to tell his friend no, he'd much rather read his book and brew some more tea than go deal with hyper, rambunctious children. However, Thorin would probably be saddened if Bilbo said no, especially with how he'd ditched all his friends the day before to go hang out with Smaug. Smaug also hadn't mentioned doing anything together that day, so Bilbo was free from what he knew. Besides, he had babysitting experience, both from doing it with his young nephew Frodo when his parents were busy and from doing it when he was thirteen because he needed cash.

"I'll come," Bilbo said, suppressing his sigh. He took the last sip of his tea in defeat. "When do you need me and what are the directions to the place?"

* * *

"My plan worked," Thorin said out loud. "It actually worked." He threw his hands in the air. "I actually did it!"

There was just one problem: He now had to babysit his nephews from hell.

Dis was so happy when he'd called to offer to babysit her sons. "I'm so glad you said that," she said. "They're good little boys, but they're wearing me out. Thank you so much, Thorin! I'll make cookies for you to thank you!"

"No, it's fine," Thorin replied. That was a lie, it was because his aunt's baking was terrible. Her cookies usually turned out as hard as rocks, and he didn't want to risk losing any teeth. "I'm doing this because I know you need a break." That was another lie, it was just to get closer to Bilbo, to figure out what he saw in Smaug.

"Well thank you," she said. "When will you be over?"

"In about ten minutes," he said.

"Okay, I'll leave once you get here. Fili and Kili will be so excited to see their uncle!"

When he got over, he was greeted by Fili and Kili, faces covered in peanut butter and jelly, and he guessed their hands would be just as sticky. He was glad he'd told Bilbo to not wear his best clothes for when he came over.

Dis was dressed casually, in jeans and a light blue T-shirt, her dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. She looked ready for a break, things being so much harder for her since her husband died in a mining accident at the local coal workers plant, leaving her alone to raise her two sons and keep the family going. She'd been lucky enough to get a good lawyer job, but it clearly put a lot of stress and anxiety on her plate.

"I'm glad that you came on time," she said. "I was scared that you'd be late."

"I hurried out," Thorin replied.

There was suddenly a knock on the door, and Dis answered it. The person behind the door was none other than Bilbo, looking red in the face and wheezing, an inhaler for his asthma in his pocket. He was dressed in an old white T-shirt and jeans, a jacket tied around his waist, and his glasses weren't cleaned, and even from where Thorin was standing he could see spots on the lenses. This was clearly Bilbo at his worst, but he'd end up worse once he was done babysitting the little Durin brats. When Thorin looked down, he saw that the only thing covering Bilbo's feet was the hair that he admired so much for some unknown reason.

"Hey," Bilbo said, taking in a deep breath, "I'm not late, am I?"

"No!" Thorin said.

"Oh, you came to help, too?" Dis asked. She leaned down to stare into the much smaller boy's eyes. "Thank you for agreeing to come over!"

"It's nothing," Bilbo said, taking another deep breath. He'd definitely ran to get to Thorin's sister's apartment. "I have experience doing babysitting, especially with my own nephew, Frodo."

"You have a nephew?" Thorin asked. "You never mentioned him."

"I don't see him often," Bilbo admitted. "He and his family live a bit of a way away from me, but sometimes they drop him off with me."

"Well, experience is good," Dis said. She stepped towards the door, her purse clenched in her hand. "I'm going to be back tonight around seven or eight tonight, so call me if anything happens."

_Seven or eight tonight?_ Thorin thought. _Bilbo and I will be dealing with these little monsters all day._ He could see the same look of concern on Bilbo's face.

"I'll see you all later," she said, then left, the door clicking shut behind her, leaving them alone with two monsters below the age of six.

"Uncle Thorin!" they said happily, running up to him and grabbing his legs, pulling on his jeans.

"Hey," Thorin said, then turning his arm towards Bilbo. "This is my friend and he'll be hanging out with us today."

The two young boys stared up wide-eyed at him, then scrambled over and grabbed his legs.

"Uncle Thorin," Kili said, pointing at Bilbo's feet. "Is he a monster?"

Bilbo looked offended. "We hobbits take pride in our foothair!"

Fili laughed. "Uncle didn't bring us a dwarf, did he, Kili?"

"I like these weird things!" replied Kili, running his hands through Bilbo's feet hair. "I wish I could have hairy feet."

"I am not weird," Bilbo said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm sure you dwarves have strange customs associated with your race."

Thorin reached in and grabbed the two boys from Bilbo's legs, ignoring their cries of anger, and then walked into the living room and set them on the couch. He grabbed the TV remote, turned it on, and then set it to some cartoon channel. "Bilbo and I are going to make you snacks," he said. "So why don't you just watch TV?"

"I want cookies!" Fili said. He smiled, showing off all of his teeth.

"Yeah, cookies!" Kili said, throwing his hands in the air in glee. "Mommy said she'd make us some yesterday and then she didn't!"

"I'll go help Bilbo with them," Thorin said, then quickly excused himself. Once he was in the kitchen he took a well needed deep breath, then exhaled after what seemed like hours. "Okay, Bilbo," he said, "we're going to need to start baking some cookies."

Bilbo said nothing, just began rummaging around for ingredients. He grabbed flour, chocolate chips, eggs, milk, a mixing bowl, and a few other items. "Is there a family recipe that I need to follow?"

Thorin shook his head. "Dis isn't what you'd call a baker. I think we're all thankful that she has a constant supply of microwaveable meals for herself and the boys or they wouldn't be there." The words caused him physical pain, thinking back to when his family could afford any food that they liked.

"Okay," Bilbo said. "I guess they'll just have to enjoy the wonders of my mother's chocolate chip cookies recipe. The Tooks may have been a little out there, but they did know how to make good cookies at least. Oh, and if she's such a terrible baker, why does she own all of the ingredients and supplies for making cookies?"

Thorin laughed. "She thinks that somehow she'll wake up one day and be a master baker." He shook his head. "Believe me, it won't happen. Speaking of family," Thorin said nervously, "I'm sorry for what they said about your race. They're usually surrounded entirely by dwarves and dwarves only. It's not like they go to our school where there's humans, the damn elves, and dwarves, along with hobbits."

Bilbo rolled his eyes. "I'm the only hobbit at that school."

"Whatever," Thorin said. "I'm just sorry."

"Well," Bilbo said, "if you want them to get to know hobbits more, then take them to my apartment complex, or just the whole neighborhood. We have hobbits from everywhere all in one place, each with a different story and background. Some hobbits have skin so white that it makes milk look dark, and there are hobbits with skin so brown that it couldn't have been made by the sun. It's a very nice place."

"Uh, okay," Thorin said. "I guess we could do that some time, but probably not today."

Bilbo was cracking an egg in the mixing bowl when he turned to his friend and asked why. "I'm telling you, it's a nice place! Besides, you should know, you've been there multiple times with me!"

"I know that it's a marvelous place," Thorin said. "I just want this to be a peaceful day. Too many things have been bothering me lately, and I don't need my nephews causing trouble adding to it."

"Oh," Bilbo said, a look of concern crossing his pale face. "I'm so sorry, Thorin! Is there anything that you'd like to talk about with me? I'd be happy to listen."

_No,_ Thorin thought, most of his current problems stemming from the fact that Bilbo was dating Smaug of all people.

Bilbo began to mix together the dough, stirring it at a steady pace. "Is it about what happened yesterday?"

Thorin scowled. "Why Smaug? You knew what he did to my family."

"No, his dad did that to your family, not Smaug himself. He was too young when you lost your family's jewelry shop to do anything like that."

Thorin clenched his fists. "He takes every chance that he can to make fun of me for it, and I know that you've heard him say those things!" He jabbed Bilbo in the stomach. "Why are you dating him?"

"B-Because," Bilbo said, though that was where his words ended.

"What a great answer," Thorin said mockingly. "You'd betray your own friends and not even have an answer."

"No, that's not why I did it! It was just a once in a lifetime chance."

"What, a once in a lifetime chance for him to fuck you and then dump you, throwing you back to the loser bin where you belong?" Thorin smirked. "Or is Smaug just too tempting to pass up? Do you finally feel that you're getting noticed by somebody who really matters? It doesn't matter that I've been after you even longer?"

"No, I just," Bilbo said, then stopped. He walked into the living room and handed the children the cookie dough, telling them to share equally half and half. Their small faces were glowing, and they began to dig in like hungry dogs who were being fed scraps.

And then he left, leaving Thorin, his nephews, and walked away. He didn't know what possessed him to, but he called Smaug and broke up with him. It's not as though Smaug would have been a comfort to him at that time anyway. Right now he just needed to be with himself.

Thorin would be overjoyed once he learned that Bilbo was no longer with Smaug, but the thought made bile rise up Bilbo's throat, burning him.

* * *

Bofur was certainly surprised to see Bilbo at his door, but quickly welcomed him in. Bifur was watching football and screaming swear words at the TV in Khuzdul, making Bofur thankful that Bilbo had chosen to take a class on Elven languages instead of Khuzdul. If he hadn't, then Bifur would currently be teaching Bilbo quite a few unneeded words.

Bombur was in the kitchen making chili and baking brownies, and while he did so he was eating blueberry muffins that he'd made earlier. He smiled when the two walked in, handing each of them a muffin. Bofur saw Bilbo give a weak smile, obviously forced.

"Bilbo," Bofur said. "What brings you here?"

"Things just happened," he replied, peeling off the paper muffin holder, then taking a bite. His chewing seemed forced.

"What kind of things?" Bombur asked.

Bilbo sighed, then placed down his muffin and laid his head down on his arms. "Now that I think about it, really dumb stuff. I think that Thorin kind of hates me now."

Bofur cringed. What would Thorin do to Bilbo? He knew how Thorin would act when in a rage.

"That's terrible!" Bombur said.

"Don't I know it," Bilbo replied, then took a bite of his muffin.

All Bofur wanted to do was comfort his friend, but he had no way to. He took a bite of his own muffin, though it took more energy than usual to swallow it. He looked up at Bilbo's scared face, sweat rolling down from it. The sight nearly brought him to tears.

* * *

"So," Smaug said, grabbing Thorin's arms and pinning him to the wall, "you convinced Bilbo to leave me. What gave you that idea?" Thorin didn't say anything, which only made Smaug happier. He jabbed him rather hard in the stomach, the sound of pain he released pleasing Smaug. "I'll make you pay."

"I had no idea that he broke up with you!" Thorin said. "Smaug, I had no idea that he did that!"

Smaug could feel the transformation beginning, feel his hands turning into finely sharpened claws, feel his teeth turn into daggers, and the wings appear from his back. Thorin looked utterly terrified, and he looked as if he would collapse soon, especially after seeing the fire leaving Smaug's mouth. "I need to enact my revenge," Smaug said. "Though I prefer steak served medium rare, I'm sure a dwarf would make a nice meal."

Thorin bit his lip, and Smaug imagined his pitiful life flashing before his ocean blue eyes.

"I'll make it quick," Smaug said. "We dragons snack rather quickly." He licked his lips, his tongue now longer and more serpent-like. "Though if there was any other time, I'd certainly savor you, Oakenshield. You seem like quite the tasty looking morsel, and I imagine I'd be licking my fingers."

* * *

**Author's Note: **Wow, I'm so glad that people like this! I should post the next chapter this weekend. I won't require five more reviews for the next one because so many people like this already.

Yeah, I really want Bilbo to end up with Bofur. I like Thorin and all, but Bofur was always there for Bilbo. I might just stick with the alternate endings though to make everyone happy. In one it'll be Bilbofur, the next Thilbo, and finally one where Smaug is triumphant.

Thanks for enjoying this and I'd love if you reviewed with your opinion of the chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

"You're going to pay," Smaug said, wrapping his fingers around Thorin's throat. Thorin could see dark red scales forming along his arms. "You're a monster, Thorin, a monster."

"No, you are," Thorin rasped out. He instantly regretted it, losing the little bit of air left in his lungs.

"Why not just let me end your miserable life now, Thorin?" Smaug asked. "It's obvious that you don't enjoy it." His words stung like the sting of a hornet, which Thorin had been unfortunate to have felt multiple times before. His heart beat against his ribcage at what seemed like a mile a minute, and its speed was increasing by the second.

"No," Thorin said. He ground his teeth together in anger. "Then you'd have free reign on Bilbo and use him for your sick purposes. He's not your sex toy, Smaug, you dirty bastard."

Smaug laughed, a puff of smoke being released from his mouth. "And how do you know that I'm just toying with him?"

"Because that's all people are to you, Smaug, toys."

"You make me sound heartless."

"That's because you are." Thorin tried to look as determined as possible, but he knew that he looked weak. He straightened his back and jaw, a hard glint in his eyes. No, he had to stay strong, if only for Bilbo.

"Still can't get over the fact that you lost the jewelry shop, can you?" Smaug asked, his tone not even mocking anymore. Now it was entirely made up of pride, and a mix of what sounded like Smaug's desire to destroy the dwarf. "Can't you just let some things die and stay buried?"

"No!" Thorin yelled, and with a strength he didn't know he had tore himself out of Smaug's grasp and ran for his life. If Smaug wanted to do anything than he'd have to transform back into a human or else he'd reveal his secret.

"You got away this time!" Smaug screamed, hurting Thorin's eardrums. Thorin desperately wanted to cover his ears, but right now he wasn't able to. "But you won't be so lucky next time, Thorin Oakenshield!"

* * *

_Bilbo broke up with Smaug,_ Thorin thought as he lay in bed. He'd changed his clothes and was now dressed in a comfortable cotton shirt and jeans, free of sweat and dirt.

All it would take was one phone call and he could convince Bilbo to pick up from where they should've been earlier. It was just a click of one tiny little button. . .

But he couldn't do it. He sighed in defeat, knowing that he'd probably driven Bilbo to do it. Smaug had been an asshole when he'd been toying with Bilbo, but it'd be hypocritical for Thorin to just swoop in and take Bilbo now. It'd only make Thorin an asshole too, taking Bilbo when he was at his weakest.

That didn't make him not want the hobbit any less, however, instead the exact opposite. He craved for the hobbit, wanting him to be there with him right now. Thorin had always been considered the kind of guy who did whatever he could to get what he wanted, and Bilbo was his newest prize. A fire burned in him, telling him that he had to get Bilbo one way or the other.

And a little voice inside of him whispered that maybe he and Smaug weren't too different, but he drowned it out. He really was a good guy, and he'd wait for whenever Bilbo was ready for him. He knew Bilbo would eventually come around, right?

* * *

Bilbo sat alone in Bofur's room reading a book, and from the distance Bofur couldn't see the title. He hoped it was a happy book that would brighten Bilbo's mood, though he was scared that it was unlikely. Bofur wanted to go in and comfort him, but there was no way. It was obvious that Bilbo wasn't going to leave any time soon, so Bofur just sighed and went back to the kitchen. Bombur was beating his fingers against a Nintendo DS, seeming to have finally eaten his fill.

"What should I do?" Bofur asked, not even bothering to hide the defeat from his voice. "Bilbo is here and I can't do anything for him."

"How do you know?" Bombur asked.

"I just do," he said. "Bilbo needs me but I can't fix his romantic problems."

Bombur sighed. Bofur knew that even though he tried to help, he really did (which was something Bofur admired about his brother), he just didn't understand. Bombur had never dated anyone and didn't show signs of doing it any time soon. He wasn't interested in that kind of stuff from what he told Bofur.

Bofur grabbed a box of cookies from the pantry and stuffed a few in his mouth. Tears pricked at his eyes, and he began to whimper, but thankfully at that moment Bifur was too busy watching football and Bombur was too busy playing _Cooking Mama_ to notice. He felt pathetic, crying in the middle of his kitchen while his face was stuffed with chocolate chip cookies, but he knew that there was nothing else he could do. Dread and hopelessness filled him along with self-hate. Why were things so frigging hard on him right now? It was all so sudden and yet he almost felt like this was the way that things had always been. What had he done, or not done, to deserve this? Was this some sign from some god telling him that he needed to exert himself more and not waste chances while he had them? If so, it really wasn't helping at this point.

He grabbed a few more cookies, stuffed his face, and then walked into the bathroom and sat on his toilet. He finished eating, then began to cry. He was hopeless and there was nothing he could do to change how he was.

_No,_ he suddenly thought, standing up. He could do something. He marched out of the bathroom and to his bedroom, opening the door without hesitation. On his bed lay Bilbo, a book in his hands, though his eyes were too vacant to be reading it. A deep sadness filled the room, and Bofur had to fight to not be devoured by it. How easy it'd be to give in. . .

_No,_ he repeated.

"Bilbo," Bofur said, clenching his fists. "I really, really need to talk to you right now."

Bilbo snapped out of whatever imaginary world he was stuck in, then stared at Bofur, blinking his large blue eyes every once in a while. The tension in the room could be cleanly cut with a knife.

"You seem sad," Bofur said, walking up to him and placing his arm on his friend's shoulder. "And that just isn't right. You're too good to deserve that, Bilbo." He dug around in his pocket, feeling his cash. "I'm not going to let you be sad anymore."

"What do you mean?" Bilbo asked, retreating from Bofur's touch. He looked like a frightened little mouse, and adorable too. . . Bofur had to keep himself from blushing at the sight of him.

"You deserve some fun," Bofur said, grabbing his friend's arm and pulling him off his bed. "You can't just mope around all day, and especially not in my room! I have to sleep somewhere, right?"

Bilbo laughed weakly, scratching his head. It messed up his orange curls, making him cuter than ever. "Yeah, you do. Sorry about that. . ."

"You can make it up to me by enjoying the night with me." Bofur smiled. "We've got to live while we can, right, Bilbo?"

"You're starting to sound really corny."

Bofur laughed, playfully slugging Bilbo on the shoulder. "I could care less if I sounded like a goddamn Hallmark greeting card right now. So, are you ready to do this or what?"

Bilbo scratched his head some more. "Well. . ."

"Are you ready?" Bofur repeated, raising his voice, trying to get Bilbo as pumped up as he was.

"Yes!" Bilbo said, trying to match Bofur's enthusiasm. It was absolutely pathetic. He tried again, this time doing it successfully.

"Then let's get going!" Bofur said. "We don't have forever to wait."

* * *

There was a twinkle in Bofur's eye as he pulled Bilbo out the door. It was time that Bilbo did as he'd promised, and he picked up his pace. He might as well get out to get some fresh air, and maybe have a quick escape from the reality of the situation around him; he really, really did need that, no matter how short it was.

"What are we doing?" the hobbit asked, picking up his pace so that Bofur wouldn't have to drag him out of the door.

"I haven't decided yet," Bofur admitted. "But I promise that it'll be fun. Now let's go a little faster."

Bilbo grumbled, but ran even faster. "You don't even know what we're doing," he said bluntly. "You didn't even plan that far ahead?"

"If you phrase it that way I sound like a bad person."

"Maybe I was implying that."

"I just couldn't decide on where to go. Oh, what a crime!" He laughed. "I guess I might as well think of something, right?"

"Yeah," Bilbo said. "You definitely should."

Bofur first dragged him into a restaurant, a small one that would be closing soon. He ordered the two to go milkshakes (chocolate for Bofur and strawberry for Bilbo) and chicken wings, and then dragged Bilbo to a movie theater where they snuck in from the back. They found a movie that was about to start, an action flick that was heavy on explosions and light on actual plot, eating their food as they watched. When that was done, Bofur dragged Bilbo to a convenience store open twenty-four hours a day, getting them both cherry slushies.

It was cool in Bilbo's throat and sent a rush of energy through Bilbo. It felt strange, Bilbo not normally being the type to get a sugar high.

Bofur seemed to have a head full of ideas, and once they finished that, he took Bilbo to a club. It was one that teenagers could get into, and it was rather low key. Obviously most people didn't come because they'd found better places. Bofur danced with Bilbo, touching his arm every once in a while as if he were scared Bilbo would vanish out of thin air, as if with one blink he'd never see him again.

By the end of the night Bilbo's head was swimming with thoughts and he was exhausted. Bofur seemed to have an endless amount of energy, but saw how tired his friend was.

"Let's go home," he said.

Bilbo weakly nodded, feeling his eyes begin to shut. He quickly forced them to stay open.

* * *

Bilbo woke up to the smell of bacon and the sound of whistling. He was confused, seeing his room, but wondering how anyone else could be in his apartment. Bilbo had lived alone since his parents had died, giving the people who worked there a good deal of money to not mention that a minor lived alone.

He saw that he was still wearing his clothes from last night, which at the moment he couldn't remember just what exactly had happened, and quickly got up and changed. His new clothes were a plain white shirt, a red jacket, and light green pants. He stretched his arms, then went to see who was inside of his kitchen.

"Bofur?" Bilbo asked. "What are you doing here?"

Bofur nervously scratched his arm. Once he finished, he grabbed some bacon and placed it on a plate, putting it on Bilbo's spot on his table. "You got tired last night so I helped you get home. I was kind of tired so I crashed on your couch. Is that okay? I'm really, really sorry, and I can try to find some other ways to make it up to you."

"No," Bilbo said, going up and grabbing a piece of bacon. It was crunchy, the juices instantly flowing through Bilbo's mouth, grease dripping down his chin. Bofur had definitely learned quite a few things from Bofur, that was for sure. "This is great."

"Thank you," Bofur said, a smile on his pale face. "That means a lot." He grabbed a plate for himself, then sat down next to Bilbo. He took a bite, eating half a strip of bacon in one bite. "Last night was fun."

Bilbo could finally remember what had happened. "It was something I never expected to do, but it was pretty fun." He smiled weakly. "I guess you do know how to show a hobbit a good time."

Bofur's face turned red. "Oh no, it was nothing."

"Want to do that again sometime?" Bilbo asked.

Bofur seemed surprised that he'd asked. "Yeah."

Bilbo laughed. "But I get to pick the places we go next time, and I don't tell you beforehand."

"I can be a risk taker," Bofur said. "Let's do it. It sounds great."

Bilbo returned the dwarf's smile. "I'll make sure it's as thrilling as you hope that it'll be."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm so sorry, I really did want to update this over the weekend, but I got sick, really, really sick. I finally got the chapter up, and I'd love if you reviewed. To make it up to you guys I'll try to post a chapter this weekend, but there's no guarantee that I can. Still, I promise to try my hardest.


	4. Chapter 4

Thorin couldn't pretend that he wasn't afraid of Smaug. Thinking he wasn't was completely idiotic.

What would he do to him? Smaug was known for his rampages, and many other students were afraid of him. He had wealth, power, and wasn't afraid to use them to get what he wanted, which seemed to be everything. His desire could never be quenched.

Thorin clenched his fists, Bilbo's smiling face flashing through his mind. It scared him, but he knew he had to do it.

It was time to drag Smaug back to the hole that he'd climbed out of and leave him trapped there forever.

* * *

Bilbo and Bofur were playing Bifur's old Nintendo Gamecube, their fingers both moving across the controllers. The only thing hotter than Bombur's brownies when they were fresh out of the oven were the video game competitions held between the friends.

"It doesn't look good for you, Bofur," Bombur commented. "Bilbo is really beating you and he normally doesn't even play video games."

Bofur scowled, his hat crooked on his head. He reached up and adjusted it, then just as quickly put his hand back to the controller and began beating his fingers down on it. "Don't remind me, Bombur."

Bilbo laughed, pausing the game. "It's just a game, Bofur."

Both Bofur and Bombur rolled their eyes, and Bofur was sure that if Bifur were there he'd join in. Saying that was both incredibly wrong and just plain stupid.

"You don't understand, Bilbo," Bombur said. "You're too much of a bookworm to understand."

Bofur knew bookworms who were also avid gamers, but Bilbo was purely on the bookworm side. The sad thing was that he was _still _ beating Bofur. Fate was a bitch.

Bofur paused the game, then grabbed some of the chocolate chip cookies on the table that had somehow escaped Bombur's grasp. Bofur threw them in his mouth, crumbs spilling out his mouth and onto his pants. He was really, really mad.

"I'm sorry," Bilbo said, deflating like a poked balloon. "I should've realized how important this was to you."

Bofur flushed pink with embarrassment; now he was the one who felt like an idiot. "Never mind," he said. "Let's just keep playing to see who wins, okay?"

Bilbo nodded.

"And then I get to play," Bombur said. "And when I do, I'll smoke you like a cigarette, Bilbo."

"That was the worst simile that I've ever heard," Bilbo said, "but I will accept your challenge."

Bilbo ended up beating Bofur by a landslide. Bofur got up in frustration and handed the controller to Bombur, giving him a _"You better smoke Bilbo like you said you would" _look. Bombur gulped, knowing his brother would surely find a way to get back at him if he didn't. He nodded, then plopped down on the old couch next to Bilbo, starting a new game.

The game was a cheap _Super Smash Bros. Melee_ rip off that Bifur has ordered off of the internet to get a good laugh. The controls could glitch every once in a while, but other than that it looked fine. The graphics could be considered decent, and though the characters were rip offs of Nintendo characters, they each had their own defining qualities.

"How are you beating me at this?" Bombur asked, his face red with anger. It contrasted with his bright orange hair, the same shade as his mother's hair had been. "I've played this thing over a million times."

Bilbo propped one of his hairy feet on the old coffee table, relaxing. "I got used to the controls is all."

Bombur groaned. "You can master a video game in a couple of minutes. Ugh, why are you so good at this?"

Bilbo laughed. "I guess I'll get off so that you two can challenge each other. Do you two want to see which one of the brothers will win?"

"Yeah!" the two said in unison.

Bofur hopped on the couch and took Bilbo's controller. The two started a new game.

"Are you ready to lose?" Bombur asked.

"Only if you're ready to spit dust out of your mouth," replied Bofur.

The two began beating their thumbs against the controllers, and Bilbo sat back and watched the two. It was a nice way to relax and forget about his current problems.

If only that feeling could last forever, but he wasn't that lucky.

For a quick moment Bilbo thought back to his mother, who would've been so proud of him for being here. It was still so hard for him to believe that a woman like her could just be dead. Tears stung at the edges of his eyes, and he quickly excused himself to the bathroom, hoping that no one saw him. What would they think he was crying about? Bilbo didn't want to know, and he knew that they wouldn't think it was because of his mother. None of them had ever heard a single word about the wonderful woman who now lay six feet under, another part of her where he was sure that she was happy.

And here he was all alone.

_No,_ he thought. _I have my friends. _The thought brought a smile to his face.

He imagined his mother, wherever she was now, smiling too.

* * *

Bilbo felt a mix of shame and courage as he left Bofur's place. Bofur had grabbed his shoulders when they were alone and quickly leaned in close. Did he think that they could just kiss like it was nothing? Bilbo had promptly thrown him off and left. He had seen how heartbroken Bofur had looked, and though it hurt Bilbo, that didn't nearly justify what he had just done to Bilbo. He was beyond angry, to the point where he imagined smoke coming out of his ears.

His cell phone rang, the familiar ringtone going off. He quickly opened it without checking the number and asked who it was.

"It's Thorin," the voice on the opposite line said. "Is this a good time or should I wait? I can wait."

Bilbo sighed in defeat. Could he ever get a break, just for a few minutes? Or was that too much to ask for?

"No," Bilbo said. "I can certainly make it."

"That's great!" Thorin said, his voice filled with pure joy.

A small smile spread across Bilbo's lips, as impossible as it seemed at that time.

* * *

Thorin had requested that Bilbo come over to his place immediately. He could tell that the hobbit was twitchy, shaking in his boots, or hairy feet to be a bit more accurate. Thorin could see sweat on his face, gleaming white in the dim light, highlighting his pale skin. He had to keep himself from reaching out and wiping away the sweat drop by drop.

He hoped Bilbo was sweating because he had been forced to run to get to his place in a reasonable amount of time, but another part of him wanted him to sweat at the sight of Thorin. He wanted Bilbo to marvel at the idea that he was there in front of him, noticing his existence instead of ignoring me like he used to. He also hoped that Bilbo was attracted him, that he really had realized that Smaug just wasn't the type of fit for him. He hoped his dreams were true.

"What do you want?" Bilbo asked.

"I need to talk to you about something," Thorin said, wrapping his arm around Bilbo's shoulder and pulling him close. "It's about us."

"Thorin," Bilbo began.

"Bilbo," Thorin interrupted, "I do love you."

Bilbo was looking down at his thumbs and twitching them every few seconds. The sweat was beginning to drop down his body more and more, to where Bilbo could be considered a waterfall.

And then without even thinking it over, Thorin cupped Bilbo's face in his and pulled him close. Bilbo's skin was smooth, like what he'd felt on a baby, and there was no sign that he'd ever grow a whisker. The kiss was quick, partially because Thorin didn't want to go into deeply for the first one, and partially because Bilbo angrily pushed him off that Thorin hadn't known Bilbo had.

Bilbo scowled, then angrily began to leave.

"I'm sorry, it was a stupid decision!" Thorin said, grabbing his friend's shoulders. "Let's just forget I ever did it, okay?" He gave a weak smile, one that felt like it was sloppily glued to his mouth. Even he knew it was fake.

"Of course it was a stupid decision!" Bilbo said, then grabbed the doorknob, knocking Thorin's hand away. "You had no right to do that, you asshole! I'm not here for you to release your pent up desire into! I don't know what I want yet, Thorin, but I'm pretty sure it's not you. I'll probably never want you after this. What made you think you could do that? You may be pretty high up but that doesn't mean you can act like you can do whatever you want with me."

Thorin sighed. "Bilbo, please listen to me."

"I don't need to," he replied with an angry huff. He threw his messenger bag over his shoulder, then opened the door. "You don't need to stand around here wasting your time and breath telling me what I already know perfectly well."

And then Bilbo was gone, leaving Thorin alone in his room. It stung, but he knew that he deserved it. It was the very least that he deserved for what he had done to Bilbo.

* * *

Bofur lay on the edge of his bed, wondering what to do. How could he ever rekindle the flame of his friendship with Bilbo now? He should've realized how unlikely it was that Bilbo returned his affections, but he went against what most of his mind was saying and just leaned in like it was natural and kissed Bilbo right on the lips. He couldn't blame the hobbit for hating him now; he'd just been asking for it.

Still, he couldn't just let their friendship die like this. It wouldn't be worth it.

If only an idea would come to him for what he should do to fix things.

The idea never did come to him.

* * *

Why did everyone want Bilbo so damn badly? That was the question that Bilbo was left to ponder over. He was too average of a hobbit to interest three people, and yet somehow fate seemed to say otherwise. He should've been happy, but really he was exhausted from all this unwanted and unasked for attention, thank you very much.

He started up a bath and got in, relaxing in the hot water. Oh how he wanted to stay in there all day and never come back out again!

He wanted to apologize for rushing out, but he knew it was wrong. It was his friends' faults for what they did. He sighed, then made the water even hotter. Unlike his friends, his faucet never seemed to release cold water.

He relaxed, closing his eyes with a heavy sigh. He was happy here, halfway in sleep and halfway awake in fear. It was peaceful, a peace that existed for a time but soon would be gone.

When Bilbo woke up, the water had cooled, and he allowed it to drain. He got out and dried, then put on his pajamas. It was only seven, but he was already ready to go to sleep. The day had really taken a good chunk of his energy from him.

His sleep wasn't nearly as peaceful as the one before, this one being filled with nightmares, the faces of Thorin, Bofur, and Smaug dancing through his mind. He was actually quite happy when he woke up.

* * *

Thorin's heart broke when he saw Bilbo ignore the group at school. He sat alone, a book propped up in front of him, but it was obvious that he wasn't reading. Thorin could imagine where the halfling's mind was wondering off to, and it made his heart ached. This was all his fault and he could do nothing about it.

Like always, he never let the emotion show on his face. He just ate his lunch, the shitty square pizzas and barely warm carrots, then threw the rest in the trash, unable to stomach any more. His emotions had spread across the table, who were also not lively. Usually they were making a huge ruckus, but today they were so quiet you'd think that they'd lost their voices.

It felt wrong, but there was nothing that Thorin could do about it.

Or so he'd thought.

He had been walking home alone, his head hanging low. It was his fault that this had happened and everyone else was suffering for it.

That was when he saw Bilbo and Smaug.

Smaug had cornered Bilbo, his face in front of Bilbo's and covered with an angry scowl. "Why'd you do it, Bilbo? Did Thorin have anything to do with it?"

"N-No!" Bilbo said. "I just realized that we weren't right for each other, that's all. It has nothing to do with Thorin!"

"And why should I believe you?"

"Because Thorin and I aren't dating!"

Smaug raised a red eyebrow. "And I should believe you why?"

"Because," Thorin said, stepping up to him, "I wouldn't have hated myself for screwing up what we had if we were together." He grabbed Smaug and using strength he didn't know he had (yes, he was strong, but even this was beyond him) and slammed Smaug against the ground, then quickly grabbed Bilbo and pulled him away.

"We have to get out of here!" Thorin said.

Bilbo looked scared, and Thorin gave a weak smile in hopes of comforting him.

"He can beat the shit out of me before he can do anything to me." Thorin said.

A deep sadness filled Bilbo's eyes, but Thorin ignored it. "We need to step up our pace," he said. "I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

* * *

**Author's Note: **So what does everyone think? If you want to suggest something that you want to happen then feel free to, and I promise I'll try to incorporate it in some way. And hooray, I actually posted this on time! Please, please, please review. *Gives you all puppy eyes*


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